while the earth is tilted

Blog Post 44.

It has been some time since I last posted an update. That is not for lack of desire. My mind is like a pendulum and it swings from creative to analytical and lately it has fully been in a state of the latter. The pendulum has simply taken its time in returning to the former and, quite frankly, may just now be reaching that lowest point on its arch back to the creative side. To be mindful of physics, I will mention that this is the point at which the pendulum has the highest kinetic energy and is moving the fastest. Hopefully that bodes well for me at this tumultuous point in life.

Long story already told, the short of it is that I have not been able to produce much that one might consider “creative” in recent months, though I have tried to several times. C’est la vie, non?

I am 22 years old and looking out over the abyss of the (capital-F) Future. The contents of this abyss are beginning to present parts of themselves these days and quite frankly I am less than pleased with much of what I am seeing. Some of this is temporary, I know, but that does little to assuage the trepidation I feel. Looking at the big picture placates some fears, but then I must remind myself that it is the details that are crucial at this point.

Right now I feel unsteady and lonely and hopeful and fearful and excited and humbled. I want so badly to jump into the world and give it everything I have right away. I worry that if I don’t do so now, then I’ll get lost in the monotony of something stagnant and pass by my chance to do something really good.

I realize that stagnancy is one of my greatest fears. Ambiguity is fine for me as long as I feel I am pushing forward through it. This week has been a difficult one marked by ample stagnant ambiguity -a wretched combo- so I find myself clutching to the few things I can control but nonetheless distracted by lousy details floating around in the world.

We have this clock in our living room that makes a different bird sound each hour on the hour. In between these chirps it ticks every second on the second but I only notice the ticking sometimes. Right now, I feel that I may stand up at any moment and fall over because the Earth is indeed tilted, though I only notice the tilting sometimes- like I’ve aligned myself to the theoretical would-be-correct polarity instead of to the polarity of the actual rock I’m clinging to.

But so long as the Earth is tilted, I’ll be able to stand up without falling over because quite frankly, there are more forces at play than the ones I can think of.